It’s a miracle that I’m even alive. That’s the insight that just came as I lay here awake at 5am.
My body has been asking for help since before I could speak but I didn’t know how to listen, or I didn’t know what she was talking about.
I’ve avoided and ignored the ugly parts of my past because I’d much rather pay attention to the things that are fun and interesting. I didn’t speak about certain things growing up, because to me, they were better off forgotten. I didn’t even consciously know about certain moments because my body did such a good job of hiding these hurts from my conscious mind in order to survive. I’d much rather distract myself with the many things outside of myself than dive into the darkness that resides within.
My body said, “Too bad!”
And after being diagnosed with a ME/CFS in 2017, which the Western medical model views as an actual disease, I began to listen. It wasn’t all in my head as I had been told for years. My symptoms were those of someone who experienced chronic stress from “environmental factors,” I was told. I was being “triggered” by my husband and children on a daily basis, I had PTSD I was told. I’d been attempting to heal from Adrenal Fatigue and hormone imbalance from what I thought was sleep deprivation after becoming a mother.
My most recent blood test revealed three chronic viruses in my system (Cytomegalovirus, Epstein Barr, and one of the Parvo strains), my immune system could not do its job, the words “disregulation” and “regulation” came into my vernacular and I had zero energy, days where I couldn’t move out of bed, even if I tried, after sleeping through the night, aka “malaise and chronic fatigue.”
I was told to decrease stress from my present life, to see a psychotherapist for the PTSD, and to start taking anti-viral medication. I was forced slow down, pull back from commitments and responsibilities and allow myself space to rest and feel.
And I honestly didn’t really like what I found and I tried again to sweep it under the rug by going through all the motions of caring for myself but still ignoring the underlying cause, because I still didn’t want to believe that I am a survivor of sexual trauma/abuse. But I am, it’s the truth.
It’s the unresolved early childhood trauma that causes the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It’s the past trauma that rises as all of the present drama.
Today, I have promised my body that I will listen ever so closely to my beautiful beating heart.
I have survived not only the abuse inflicted upon me by others but self destructive behaviors that could have cost me my life, more than once.
And somehow I’ve managed to survive, and not only survive, but even I’ve been experienced a taste of what it’s like to THRIVE.
There’s so much more resting in my shadow and it’s okay. We all have many life experiences that have left scars, scars that do not define us but rather wounds that want to be witnessed, revealed and thoroughly cared for, in order to heal.
I have been placed on the planet with the gift of my one super messy but crazy beautiful life in order to Mother the Mother. To love the our planet and to love her inhabitants, for WE ARE ONE. And that’s what I intend to do with this one moment in time that I am here. Now I see it’s no mistake that my path has been sprinkled with boulders and deep ravines. I have been training to be a guide along this uneven terrain so that I may shine the light for others, so they don’t have to stay in the dark or stumble and trip. The path is illuminated.
I told myself fairytale stories about my childhood because the truth was far too painful to bring into existence. Teens and twenties were spent in self destruction mode until yoga entered my life and it kept me alive. And then Devon Bodhi was conceived and I began for the first time to care deeply for myself because I was also in charge of someone else’s life beyond my own.
And my partner Austin has kept me afloat as well, always seeing my worth and value on the planet, always loving all of me no matter what.
And myself........ I have no clue how I managed to survive this long under the complete duress that I’ve experienced.
37 years - length of time I’ve been on the Earth.
18 years- time spent practicing yoga
12 years- number of years teaching under the umbrella of yoga
11- favorite number and the number of years that I have been married
8 years- length of time that I have been a mother
2- the number of children I have
1 beating heart driving the willpower within me