A few months ago, during a riding lesson, I was having was what I would call a “hard day on my horse.” I was having trouble riding her. I was having trouble staying present enough in my body to connect to my horse and give her the signals that were necessary to lead her smoothly around the course without any distractions. The moment my thought changed to anything other than the riding, my horse stopped responding. I forgot that I had legs, my arms did weird, fast movements that were quite confusing to both myself and my horse.
Its explainable.
Its Mercury retrograde on my horse.
Despite the fact that we have had many hours of riding enjoyment, with smooth connection and communication, that day we backtracked. I hadn't ridden her much that last week because I got too sick to come out and ride. I’d been making good progress, but many days I have the most difficult time. My horse immediately points me in the direction of where I need to focus on myself.
Today it was revealed that I tend to give up when my horse doesn't respond and I laugh with frustration. She was right, I’m good at giving up and giving in, I’ve mastered this path of self destruction and its a muddy layer of my psyche that I'm marching through to reach the golden radiance within.
My self criticism leads to lack of concentration, leads to disassociation, leads to disembodiment, leads to disconnection, leads to mistakes in riding. And this pattern remains the same on or off the horse.
Its all in my head………and one can not ride a horse with their head alone, the body is required. My children were at the barn that day and its even harder for me to focus when I have to keep an eye on them. My husband had just returned home in the middle of the night after a weeklong trip. It was an energetic transition moment in our family dynamic, I had a lot of wheels spinning within.
i woke up early that morning to meditate, exercise, pranayama practice, and riding my horse was the next thing for ME. But I had trouble remaining present and experiencing the bliss of the moment, because I was distracted by my children.
I have trouble taking care of my own needs when I am so focused on them and their needs. I know…..I’ve heard it a million times…… “put on my own oxygen mask before I help others. “ The thing is, I learned that my job was to keep up the oxygen masks for those around me , i was never told to put on my own, and thank god some guardian angels held it up until I decided to take over.
So, I pause here now, grateful, still riding my horse. Still showing up curious to find out what else I don’t know abut myself. I chose the path of the seeker, the student, the visionary, the teacher so that I could forever be in a position to learn. I will forever be the one in search of beauty.
And even though I experience much frustration, confusion and often a thick familiar layer of anger rises when I least expect it, I’m working this out. On and off my horse.
Its so easy to meet my horse with love and compassion. Now she is leading me how to meet myself with the same devotion. Thats already a new step towards a new way of seeing the beauty in myself and my relflection in the natural world.
My horse has not given up on me, and she won’t ever, so its about time that I did the same.