Why are you so scared of your Self?

September 16, 2019

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us....

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people Permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

Here I stand, not fearless beyond measure, but willing to show up as I am. I am a beautiful, kind, and somewhat complicated woman who is seeking her power through self-discovery, remaining curious to the constant ebb and flow of ordinary reality. Learning to trust in the unknown divide that remains unseen but incredibly felt and familiar.

I can feel my power rising from deep within me, and I don't know what to do with it because I haven't been given instructions. And sometimes it’s just too much and I have trouble handling the immensity of sensation.

Ah ha!


Feeling. Sense. Presence.

Parts of me have lived in somewhat of a “freeze” state for most of my life. I am 37 years old today, and for all of my existence I have had a very high tolerance for pain, not only because its innate as a woman, but because not being able to feel, or pushing down and ignoring my pain was a coping skill that I adopted in my first couple of years of life, in order to move forward.

As I move out of the chronic freeze state, as I repair my nervous system, as my brain heals, as I thaw out….  I am presented with many opportunities to experience the plethora of emotions and sensations that are available to life, allowing for a more full experience. By feeling the pain, I am also invited to experience more pleasure, more joy. Its a double edged sword where pleasure and pain exist simultaneously. However, I hear that there will be a day when I will be able to remain rooted in pleasure while I am able to witness the pain without letting it sweep me away.

In any given moment we can distract ourselves with life responsibilities. It takes time, conscious, deliberate focus on the whole self, the body, the repetitious thoughts and habitual patterns, in order to make small incremental changes over time, to heal fully. It requires a huge dose of mindfulness to heal.

I’m training my mind anew. I am practicing observing my innate wholeness, the “perfection” that already exists within me and around me. I am letting go of my obsession with perfection. I know intellectually that it’s literally impossible for me to prevent every mistake from occurring in my and my families life.

My body, on the other, is not so quick to learn this truth. My body is regenerating slowly. Much slower than my mind.

I no longer allow the story to play, that everything is my fault just because I exist.

The harmony that already exists is ours to experience. It’s our birthright.

Surrender into being by feeling first and then letting go of the pain that binds you. Invite the sensations to lend a helping hand.

Move from being pain focused to pleasure focused. Notice what feels good, allow yourself to celebrate small victories and immerse in the goodness. Remind your brain that positive experiences are available to you.

So many of us have avoided feeling through various routes, one of them being the ignorance of physical exercise, physical movement. By not moving the body, it remains stagnant, and life ceases to exist. Sedentariness is akin to death. Fear of life is akin to fear of death for death is required in order for life to thrive in the cycle of creation, maintenance, preservation, sustenance and destruction.

We are so afraid to feel that it prevents us from letting go. We are so afraid to feel that it prevents us from fully living. So, we remain stuck, frozen, unable to progress, to move forward.

I choose life. I want to live!

I’m coming into myself, into feeling and sensation that was not available to me because I remained numb for so long.

Dear Goddess, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into but please, allow it to take me around the world sharing my truth, my pain and my joy so that I may guide others to transform their suffering into bliss.

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