Sometimes, This is What Healing Looks Like

June 9, 2019

This is what healing looks like. For me. Somedays.

Well, it’s one of the ways.

I took this picture of myself yesterday, as I have many times, when my “symptoms” arise. Because I wanted to see what I looked like, from the outside.

I look fine. I even look kind of peaceful.

But on the inside, I felt like I was dying. My head pain causing severe nausea and light sensitivity, which prevents me from eating very much, which decreases my energy, which makes me very very very fatigued.

Or maybe its the fatigue that causes the migraine and the loss of appetite? The intense fatigue that arrives without notice, that I still can’t quite comprehend it, because just the day before I felt totally “normal.”

I was experiencing an intense migraine, paired with general exhaustion, and a head cold.

Bottom line, my nervous system was dis-regulated. (More on the nervous system later.)

Maybe you have felt this way? Yes. No?

My body needed DEEP SELF LOVE, extra care, and attention this week. I needed to STOP, SLOW DOWN, sleep, eat, and do whatever I wanted to do.

But this was the last week of school for my children, glittered with extra events, performances, parties, and celebration. This was also the week that our new home was finally signed off by the county inspector. We could finally, officially, move in after months of playing, “this is the expected move-in day.”

To take the time and space to focus on my own self, this week, to pay attention to my inner well-being, when I was “needed” in all directions, felt wrong.

It felt like a luxury that I could not afford.

Especially when I have a family, I have people who depend on ME to make sure their needs are met. (And don’t even get me started on everything outside of my family that’s happening in my life. It’s ALL GOOD, but it’s still stressful on my body.)

But the thing is, I know better, I’ve been in this position on and off for years. I know the signals, I felt them, I just didn’t stop and rest to heal them before they went full throttle.

Sore throat creeping up. (I actually lost my voice for a day.) Then the general irritability, dizziness, exhaustion by 2 pm, getting snippy with my kids over little things, loss of appetite. And the headache, the headache turned completely debilitating migraine. But this time I thought I could take all the immunity supplements, “rest” as much as I could, feed myself as best as I could, all while continuing my mom pace.

But I am a human, I am still learning, we all make mistakes.

Healing from trauma can be confusing. The symptoms that I experienced are biological. But eery are rooted in unresolved trauma.

For me, I’ve made so many leaps and bounds in my physical, mental, and emotional health the last few years. I have been feeling BETTER than EVER before in the last few months, so why would I believe that I would be STOPPED in my tracks AGAIN?

I learned yesterday that as my body feels safer and safer in my surroundings, deeper layers of my stored trauma and emotions feel comfortable enough to arise to be seen and felt.

It’s in the feeling that there is healing.

It’s the sitting down in the pain and facing it, letting it know that I will never ever ignore it, cover it up, numb it with addictive behaviors, ever again.

I am here to heal, completely, fully, unabashedly, courageously with my WHOLE HEART and SOUL.

I’m not embarrassed anymore to share, because this is my TRUTH. I see way too many other women just like me in the world. We have to stop this insanity. I will not remain hidden behind the mask of, “Everything is fine,” when it’s not. I will not make it look good even when its doesn’t feel good.

We all want to live authentic, joy filled lives! Don’t we?

And WE CAN, but first we have to “get on our own team,” as my acupuncturist/coach @nicoleledonna says.

We have to care for ourselves with so much loving attention, everyday, every single day, so that we feel good EVERY DAY. So that we can show up for our families everyday, not just when we feel good.

Today is the best day to take care of you!!

Not when your babies are done nursing.

Not when they are in Preschool.

Not when they are in school til 3pm.

Not when they can drive themselves.

Not when they go to college.

Today is the day that you put on your own oxygen mask first.

Can you hear me?

It’s RIGHT NOW!! Not another day when there is enough time, money and energy.

So, with that in mind, what can you do for yourself today?

Can you pause for 5-10 min (without your phone) with your feet on the Earth, feel the breeze on your skin, smell the scents of your surroundings, hear the birds chirping?

Tell me. Please leave a comment…… what are you going to do for yourself today?

You know what I’m doing.

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