I’m not quite sure of the precise moment that the message came through, but at some point “BE IN YOUR HEART” became a constant mantra. It would drop into my consciousness without provocation. At first it arrived and I didn’t know what you do with it. I think it was in 2015 when I was at the height of my busyness as a mom, wife, yoga teacher. It came in whispers at first, just peppered here and there. And then is came in a silent yell,a daily reminder, a thought that kept running through my mind.
I didn’t know exactly what it meant. I kept it to myself. I tried it on for size.
I kept exploring what I thought it was to be in my heart. It seemed like a really nice idea. To dwell in the space of the heart. To be present in the space of compassion and love. To be anchored in life from the pulse of creation, expansion and repose.
The only thing was, the only thing was that it was an amazing thought, but felt like an impossible destination.
It felt like somewhere other than where I was at the moment. It was a possibility, but it was something that needed effort, time, energy, and money to get to. To achieve. If I was going to be in my heart, I was going to have to earn it. It was not something that was going to be given to me, was it?
It was something I was working towards, for surely it was going to cost me. Anything with that level of sacredness and value was worth more than I had in me at that moment.
Overtime, as I felt the message become me, I learned that the meaning of be in your heart shifts and changes just as much as we do.
I learned that it means something unique and different for everyone, for we each have our own heart space. We each take up space in our own way.
To be in your heart every moment of the day is to be in communication with your body. To be in constant alignment with your bodies needs, wants and desires. To be in your heart is to allow yourself to follow this guidance.
To be in your heart you don’t need to go anywhere or do anything. Its simply a state of BEing.
For me it is coupled with the state of surrender.
Surrender into the unknown, surrender into the harmony that already exists in this moment independent of any need to be or do life in a specific way.
We all have a heart. We all have an electromagnetic field that we live within, thanks to our pulsing rhythmic heart beat. This is a place of deep knowing, understanding, healing and wisdom.
I love to be in my Heart, for this is my natural state of being, the one I was born into being. It is also the state I was taught to ignore as a child, young adult, adult, as it doesn’t pay the bills, and it doesn’t conform to any expectation.
Maybe today, in this present world with shifting consciousness it can serve a higher purpose.
Maybe if we all live from our heart space, we can first meet ourselves with a gentle compassion for who we are in this moment and next, meet each others hearts with the same peace and love.
I give myself permission. I give you permission.
May we all experience the beauty, the bliss of being in the sacred space of our hearts.
Mantra: “I soften into the nourishment of my breath as I breathe into my heart space. I can Be in My Heart. I am in my Heart. ”
This is what healing looks like. For me. Somedays.
Well, it’s one of the ways.
I took this picture of myself yesterday, as I have many times, when my “symptoms” arise. Because I wanted to see what I looked like, from the outside.
I look fine. I even look kind of peaceful.
But on the inside, I felt like I was dying. My head pain causing severe nausea and light sensitivity, which prevents me from eating very much, which decreases my energy, which makes me very very very fatigued.
Or maybe its the fatigue that causes the migraine and the loss of appetite? The intense fatigue that arrives without notice, that I still can’t quite comprehend it, because just the day before I felt totally “normal.”
I was experiencing an intense migraine, paired with general exhaustion, and a head cold.
Bottom line, my nervous system was dis-regulated. (More on the nervous system later.)
Maybe you have felt this way? Yes. No?
My body needed DEEP SELF LOVE, extra care, and attention this week. I needed to STOP, SLOW DOWN, sleep, eat, and do whatever I wanted to do.
But this was the last week of school for my children, glittered with extra events, performances, parties, and celebration. This was also the week that our new home was finally signed off by the county inspector. We could finally, officially, move in after months of playing, “this is the expected move-in day.”
To take the time and space to focus on my own self, this week, to pay attention to my inner well-being, when I was “needed” in all directions, felt wrong.
It felt like a luxury that I could not afford.
Especially when I have a family, I have people who depend on ME to make sure their needs are met. (And don’t even get me started on everything outside of my family that’s happening in my life. It’s ALL GOOD, but it’s still stressful on my body.)
But the thing is, I know better, I’ve been in this position on and off for years. I know the signals, I felt them, I just didn’t stop and rest to heal them before they went full throttle.
Sore throat creeping up. (I actually lost my voice for a day.) Then the general irritability, dizziness, exhaustion by 2 pm, getting snippy with my kids over little things, loss of appetite. And the headache, the headache turned completely debilitating migraine. But this time I thought I could take all the immunity supplements, “rest” as much as I could, feed myself as best as I could, all while continuing my mom pace.
But I am a human, I am still learning, we all make mistakes.
Healing from trauma can be confusing. The symptoms that I experienced are biological. But eery are rooted in unresolved trauma.
For me, I’ve made so many leaps and bounds in my physical, mental, and emotional health the last few years. I have been feeling BETTER than EVER before in the last few months, so why would I believe that I would be STOPPED in my tracks AGAIN?
I learned yesterday that as my body feels safer and safer in my surroundings, deeper layers of my stored trauma and emotions feel comfortable enough to arise to be seen and felt.
It’s in the feeling that there is healing.
It’s the sitting down in the pain and facing it, letting it know that I will never ever ignore it, cover it up, numb it with addictive behaviors, ever again.
I am here to heal, completely, fully, unabashedly, courageously with my WHOLE HEART and SOUL.
I’m not embarrassed anymore to share, because this is my TRUTH. I see way too many other women just like me in the world. We have to stop this insanity. I will not remain hidden behind the mask of, “Everything is fine,” when it’s not. I will not make it look good even when its doesn’t feel good.
We all want to live authentic, joy filled lives! Don’t we?
And WE CAN, but first we have to “get on our own team,” as my acupuncturist/coach @nicoleledonna says.
We have to care for ourselves with so much loving attention, everyday, every single day, so that we feel good EVERY DAY. So that we can show up for our families everyday, not just when we feel good.
Today is the best day to take care of you!!
Not when your babies are done nursing.
Not when they are in Preschool.
Not when they are in school til 3pm.
Not when they can drive themselves.
Not when they go to college.
Today is the day that you put on your own oxygen mask first.
Can you hear me?
It’s RIGHT NOW!! Not another day when there is enough time, money and energy.
So, with that in mind, what can you do for yourself today?
Can you pause for 5-10 min (without your phone) with your feet on the Earth, feel the breeze on your skin, smell the scents of your surroundings, hear the birds chirping?
Tell me. Please leave a comment…… what are you going to do for yourself today?
You know what I’m doing.
The new year has arrived with excitement in my life. And why wouldn’t it? This is a big year for Jupiter in Sagittarius, the planet that rules having fun, jovial nature, excitement, joy, pleasure. And I have sun in Sagittarius, I feel the pull to be aware of what brings me joy, excitement and pleasure on a daily basis. Rather than focus on all of my pain points and present challenges.
One rainy Tuesday evening in Fresno, California, we enjoyed a concert, The Yellowbrickroad, farewell tour of Elton John. My husband couldn't miss it, he is obsessed with Tiny Dancer and Rocketman. And Elton John is meaningful for us as we saw him in concert together at San Diegos Cox Arena while in college in 2004 or 2005 and it was an unforgettable evening. I can still feel the emotion arise from my babes heart as Elton played solo on his piano. We were sitting behind the stage the but just next to Elton. He was actually in the same position on stage that he played in Fresno. That must be the alignment that creates the best feeling of safety for him.
He mentioned that when he began his career in the 70s, Fresno was one of his first stops so it was bittersweet for him to come full circle and land again for his last hurrah.
Elton John was not the only radiant being on the stage. He was surrounded by a group of unforgettable musicians who were the best of the best, with decades of experience playing together and playing individually. When they came together on the stage, they created an extreme symbiosis of sound that was pleasurable to all in attendance.
It was transformative and magical, really.
He shared his mess, and he made it his message. He shared about his drug and alcohol addiction and subsequent sobriety and recovery, the aids crisis that rocked his existence in the 80s, and his ongoing philanthropy to support a cause he deeply believes in.
Like me, you may not be an avid Elton John fan, but you can not ignore the fact that he is both timeless and relevant, for everyone. We have all heard his voice in movie soundtracks and we have at least one of his songs that pulls up a deep memory. But more than that I think there is an admiration for an individual who dared to be himself, dared to look different, sound different, and live different. And in living as himself, he acted as a guide for others, giving them permission to be themselves, to be free to self express fully.
At one point, I looked at the stage and there was Elton John doing what he loves most, being himself, expressing himself as he has been doing for decades. Just being, living, performing, breathing, pulsing, completely aligned in a divine rhythm beyond what even I realized at that moment. I looked around the arena at all of the joy being experienced by each person some near to the stage and some very far away.
He was himself, the one and only Elton John. And in that moment I realized, with a new fullness, that I am the only one who can be ME, one Marie P. DiBona-Herzog to be expressed in the singular way that only I can express.
I am the one behind Bellabodhi.love because that is where I have been called to stand. I am the voice of love and compassion, leading women to look at themselves in awe, to honor their very existence. I am the one to share about my own road blocks, trials and traumas and the progression my life has take because of them. My hope is that what I have learned the hard way, others do not have to. I am the mother who loves to mother other mothers. I am the heart that feels the pure joy and the excruciating pain. I am the gentle reminder, whispering to others of their goodness and greatness. I am a well of wisdom overflowing with infinite divine grace.
I am the Elton John of my own life.
There I was in my short backless, black and white sequined, party dress, (because its Elton John!!!!! sequins are a must in my book!), black ankle boots, scant jewelry, bare makeup, flatiron rain dampened hair, one ear pug in my left ear (I’ll tell you about that later), beaming from within and all around. I was singing, using my voice, with a resonance to the voices around me. I was at peace with my knowing, my acknowledgment of truth.
And for a split second, time stood still and I was given the impression to giddy up on loving myself and to give myself permission to be scared and not know what I'm doing and move ahead anyways.
Because there’s something being called forth from within, in the same way that something was called forth from within Elton John. And when you have committed yourself to follow you hearts rhythms, you don't hesitate. So here I am, showing up and shining out, the only way I know how.
Elton was so cute to me on stage. He had 3 costume changes. Started off in a rhinestone tux, and moved into a pink rose floral jacket, finished with a track suit and brocade robe. He’s mature, his body has changed, when he walked on the stage, the yoga teacher, anatomy lover, biomechanics admirer in me only wanted to offer him some support so that he could feel relief in his body. He said his greatest pleasure was hearing the response from the crowd after each song performance. I'm sure that sensation outweighed any physical pain he was in. (I’m sure he has a full time massage therapist and whoever else he needs to support his needs).
I could see the stuck energy in his hips and back, the effects of a lifetime sitting and of wearing heeled shoes, in full effect. I may not be able to physically help Elton John, unless he’s looking for a private yoga teacher, to which I’m completely open the idea. But, I can start right where I am and follow my own yellow brick road, share what I know, and that’s enough. And so can you! What is your yellow brick road? What direction are you being called to move in?
Love the album? Grab Yellow Brick Road on Amazon here.